***NEWS FLASH ***

"Only Gravel is Truly Green"

Washington(AP) -- In yet another Orwellian announcement today, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs laid out the Obama Administration’s latest “green” proposal, namely, that grass lawns are no longer considered “green”. Gibbs emphasized that grass lawns consume enormous quantities of water, fertilizer, herbicides, and pesticides, with the latter three products being produced from carbon-based fossil fuels.

When asked if this means that green grass is no longer “green”, Gibbs reluctantly acknowledged that, “Yes, green is no longer green.”  However, Gibbs pointed out that government scientists were working really really hard to create purple grass, and that as soon as it was available, the government would require all existing grass to be replaced with the new purple grass so people wouldn’t be confused about grass not being green. In the mean time, Gibbs encouraged everyone to paint their green grass purple.

Gibbs said that once all green grass had been replaced with purple grass, the government could then assail purple grass as not being “green”, thus setting the stage to outlaw purple grass. Gibbs said that purple grass consumes just as many resources as green grass, and therefore has to be outlawed too. “Gravel that is painted green should do just as well for most people, and is almost maintenance free”, Gibbs remarked helpfully. “After all, most people don’t use their lawns for very much. They mostly just look at them, and really, the main purpose of a lawn is just to occupy space between your house and your neighbors’ houses anyway”, noted Gibbs. Our new slogan, Gibbs added, is “Only gravel is truly green!”. Also, to help with the national crisis of mountains of accumulated used tires, Gibbs encouraged everyone to ring their gravel lawns with half-buried used tires and to paint them white to disguise the fact that they’re half-buried used tires.

However, one government-controlled communal park with real grass will be allowed in each city for those few people left who wish to walk barefooted on the grass and feel it between their toes, or who just want to play a game of badminton.

Critics responded that when grass is outlawed, only outlaws will have grass.

                AP Staff Writer Cat Nipman

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