***NEWS FLASH *** Washington (AP) In a
surprise move today, the Obama
Administration announced newly proposed rules that prohibit food from
being
grown in dirt because of the danger of salmonella contamination. Although alternative
technologies don’t yet exist to replace dirt, and hundreds of millions
people
in the United States are likely to perish from starvation in the next
few
years, the Obama Administration said that a few people died last year
from food
contaminated with salmonella and that drastic action was therefore
necessary to
protect the American public from unsafe food.
White House Press Secretary
Robert Gibbs added that the new technologies would be green and clean
technologies,
unlike dirt, which he noted was brown and dirty, and that millions of
high-paid
green jobs would result, instead of a few poor dirt-farmers
monopolizing the
production of most of our food via so-called “dirty” brown
technologies.
These new jobs would involve
building and operating millions of small food-growing factories called
“greenhouses”,
hence the designation of this new industry as “green”. When told that
greenhouses weren’t actually green in color, Gibbs said that the Obama
administration was aware of that, and was developing plans to make sure
that all
greenhouses were actually painted green. Gibbs said that non-green
greenhouses
would probably confuse some people and that therefore it would be
illegal to
operate a greenhouse that was not actually green in color. And not just any green either, none
of that
ugly olive green or ghastly chartreuse, but green green, you know, like
the
color of grass and leaves and natural stuff like that. When asked about the wisdom
of condemning millions to starvation to prevent a few salmonella
deaths, Gibbs
said that people could eat cake until the new non-dirt technologies
were
developed, and besides, government scientists had proved that “dirty”
food was
unhealthy anyways, since no matter how much you washed it, even with
special
soap, a small amount of dirt always remained. Gibbs reminded the press corps
that government scientists had long ago proved that everyone ate at
least a
pound of dirt during their lifetime, and that the Obama Administration
was
committed to ending this barbaric and dangerous practice. In the mean time, a
government-operated
dirt cap-and-trade system would be developed, charging dirt farmers the
right
to grow dirty food with brown technology. Gibbs said that dirt rights
sold by
the government are expected to be so expensive that very little dirty
food
would actually be grown, thus ensuring an industry shift to clean and
green food
production. Since clean and green food is expected to be a thousand
times more
expensive than dirty food, a small amount of the dirt rights proceeds
would be
given to undocumented citizens to help offset the hardships of the
higher cost
of illegally living in a foreign land. When asked about the wisdom of
such a
dirt tax, Gibbs grew agitated, insisting that the money paid for the
sale of
dirt rights was NOT A TAX, you hear me, NOT A TAX!!! Don’t you ever let me hear you
use the
“tax” word again, do you hear me! When asked whether farm
animals such as cattle, hogs, and chickens would be allowed to eat
dirty food,
Gibbs said the White House was still mulling that issue over and was
currently
consulting PETA about the issue. Preliminary indications were that this
was
likely to be a non-issue since PETA was going to recommend that people
not be
allowed to eat meat or any other animal-based product. Gibbs
acknowledged that
eliminating both plant and animal food products at the same time would
be tough
to do, but noted, “We won the election!” and therefore we have a
mandate to do
whatever we want to do. When asked if the movie
“Soylent Green” provided inspiration for the legislation’s title, “The
Soilless
Green Act”, Gibbs scoffed that the President had no plans to make food
out of people,
at least not yet anyway. When asked if the
Administration would attempt to obtain bipartisan support for their
plan, Gibbs
burst into an uncontrollable laughing fit and had to be revived with
smelling
salts when he passed out from being unable to catch his breath, thus
ending the
White House press conference. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)
backed the plan, jumping up and down and clapping her hands wildly in
her little
green cheerleader’s outfit. Senate Majority Leader Harry
Reid (D-NV) said that When asked his opinion
regarding dirty brown technology, Vice President Joe Biden
said, “F**k me! Uh, no, I mean f**k dirt! Yeah, that’s right, you heard
me,
f**k dirt!” When President Obama was
asked if he thought his administration could eliminate the production
of both
plant and animal food simultaneously, he replied “Yes, we can.” Off the record, an unnamed
source said that food hording and food riots weren’t expected to be a
big
concern since most high-level administration officials have known these
changes
were in the works for quite some time and had already had ample
opportunity to
stockpile several years worth of food for themselves and their families. By AP staff writer Cat Nipman Complete article located here.
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