Washington (AP) In a surprise move today, the Obama Administration announced newly proposed rules that prohibit food from being grown in dirt because of the danger of salmonella contamination.

Although alternative technologies don’t yet exist to replace dirt, and hundreds of millions people in the United States are likely to perish from starvation in the next few years, the Obama Administration said that a few people died last year from food contaminated with salmonella and that drastic action was therefore necessary to protect the American public from unsafe food.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs added that the new technologies would be green and clean technologies, unlike dirt, which he noted was brown and dirty, and that millions of high-paid green jobs would result, instead of a few poor dirt-farmers monopolizing the production of most of our food via so-called “dirty” brown technologies.

These new jobs would involve building and operating millions of small food-growing factories called “greenhouses”, hence the designation of this new industry as “green”. When told that greenhouses weren’t actually green in color, Gibbs said that the Obama administration was aware of that, and was developing plans to make sure that all greenhouses were actually painted green. Gibbs said that non-green greenhouses would probably confuse some people and that therefore it would be illegal to operate a greenhouse that was not actually green in color. And not just any green either, none of that ugly olive green or ghastly chartreuse, but green green, you know, like the color of grass and leaves and natural stuff like that.

When asked about the wisdom of condemning millions to starvation to prevent a few salmonella deaths, Gibbs said that people could eat cake until the new non-dirt technologies were developed, and besides, government scientists had proved that “dirty” food was unhealthy anyways, since no matter how much you washed it, even with special soap, a small amount of dirt always remained. Gibbs reminded the press corps that government scientists had long ago proved that everyone ate at least a pound of dirt during their lifetime, and that the Obama Administration was committed to ending this barbaric and dangerous practice.

In the mean time, a government-operated dirt cap-and-trade system would be developed, charging dirt farmers the right to grow dirty food with brown technology. Gibbs said that dirt rights sold by the government are expected to be so expensive that very little dirty food would actually be grown, thus ensuring an industry shift to clean and green food production. Since clean and green food is expected to be a thousand times more expensive than dirty food, a small amount of the dirt rights proceeds would be given to undocumented citizens to help offset the hardships of the higher cost of illegally living in a foreign land. When asked about the wisdom of such a dirt tax, Gibbs grew agitated, insisting that the money paid for the sale of dirt rights was NOT A TAX, you hear me, NOT A TAX!!! Don’t you ever let me hear you use the “tax” word again, do you hear me!

When asked whether farm animals such as cattle, hogs, and chickens would be allowed to eat dirty food, Gibbs said the White House was still mulling that issue over and was currently consulting PETA about the issue. Preliminary indications were that this was likely to be a non-issue since PETA was going to recommend that people not be allowed to eat meat or any other animal-based product. Gibbs acknowledged that eliminating both plant and animal food products at the same time would be tough to do, but noted, “We won the election!” and therefore we have a mandate to do whatever we want to do.

When asked if the movie “Soylent Green” provided inspiration for the legislation’s title, “The Soilless Green Act”, Gibbs scoffed that the President had no plans to make food out of people, at least not yet anyway.

When asked if the Administration would attempt to obtain bipartisan support for their plan, Gibbs burst into an uncontrollable laughing fit and had to be revived with smelling salts when he passed out from being unable to catch his breath, thus ending the White House press conference.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) backed the plan, jumping up and down and clapping her hands wildly in her little green cheerleader’s outfit. Nancy said she wasn’t sure what dirt was, but that she had been assured that dirt was brown and dirty, and that “greenhouses” certainly sounded like a vast improvement, since a “greenhouse” must be green since it had the word “green” in it. And Nancy added, “We all know that green is good, and that not-green is bad.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said that Nevada had lots and lots of unused space that could be used to build greenhouses, and that he was working on changing the Senate rules to get the Obama Administration’s new green food agenda passed with only 11 Senate votes. Harry said that such a low vote was necessary to pass the President’s agenda since so many senators represent states that have dirt farmers that produce dirty plant or animal food and/or include voters that eat dirty food.

When asked his opinion regarding dirty brown technology, Vice President Joe Biden said, “F**k me! Uh, no, I mean f**k dirt! Yeah, that’s right, you heard me, f**k dirt!”

When President Obama was asked if he thought his administration could eliminate the production of both plant and animal food simultaneously, he replied “Yes, we can.”

Off the record, an unnamed source said that food hording and food riots weren’t expected to be a big concern since most high-level administration officials have known these changes were in the works for quite some time and had already had ample opportunity to stockpile several years worth of food for themselves and their families.

By AP staff writer Cat Nipman

Complete article located here.